:)

Someone told me that they loved me today.

I never met them before.


Talk about feeling special :)

What I do.

I play video games.
I write.
I watch t.v.
I surf the web.
I read.
I sing.
I walk.
I dance.
I draw.
I am not the person you think I am, watch tv and playing video games all day.

More than merely your average sit at home play video games all day kind of guy.

I'm a wrench.
I'm a socket.
I'm a Tool.
Use me as a catalyst in achieving whatever you must.

Use me as if I'm your paper to wipe your ass with.
I am imperfect. I am no where near anything you want me to be. I am myself and nothing more. I'm not anyone special. I'm just like everyone else.
Chew me up and spit me out.
Use me when needed. I am your taxi cab.
Would your emotions feel the same? Would there be care?
Everyone is equal. All are mutual.

Someday they'll see the distance is growing from the earth to my feet.
I do live up in a tree at times.

For your happiness comes my expense.
There is a facade between you and myself.
My facade which covers the idea of my intelligence. You believe what is false.


Your actions will effect you.

Jesus, God... Where are you tonight as I stare at the moon wishing for your guidance.


I shed tears every night thinking what went wrong. What might have I of done. But it cannot always be myself that causes problems.
I cannot live like this.
The thoughts circle my brain dreaming if I should take the emergency exit, should I?
No.
I am stronger than this. I can do more than this.
I do not need anyone at all.
Just the few close friend I have will carry me across the bridge onto the land.


My mind spins every day, I cannot breath, I cannot function, my eye's do not stop twitching from all the stress.

Thoughts change; the world is full of change. Some things are missed, some things are forgotten.
Others are cherished and others are taken advantage of.

To:

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

__________________________

I feel really love struck.

Shit.

It's by the person I've loved for a long time now.

Crying

I know why, I'm going to keep it to myself. I am scared. So scared.

Have you ever had that one person you always looked forward to see, that one person you knew that no matter when you saw them, it would always be well of a time. That every time you would see them, everything would feel almost perfect as if nothing else mattered. Have you ever had that feeling that they are all you really need. That there is no one else you really care for as much as you care for them. That you would jump in front of a car for them.








I have.

I'm afraid it might be lost.

:/

WHY

I don't get why I write in this stupid FUCKING blog. It's nothing like anyone reads the stupid FUCKING words that I write; Unless I show them. Why the FUCK do I do what I do. What the FUCK is wrong with me. Why the FUCK do I do the stupid shit that I do. Why the FUCK do people treat me as I'm stupid. I am NOT FUCKING stupid. It's a facade put on by myself on accident. I do not want to come off as STUPID. But why do I make myself come off stupid, and naive. I am just agreeable.
I hate myself, easily said. The stupid decisions I happen to make, the FUCKING shit I do that can be called unacceptable. When can I be CORRECT, for one FUCKING time?
Why the FUCK am I so sad right now? I FUCKING know why. Why the FUCK is my life filled with problems. When in my life will the problems be reduced. Why is everything revolved around some kind of FUCKING problem. Life is not suppose to be composed completely of PROBLEMS. But how about a goddamn FUCKING break. It's driving me to FUCKING insanity.

Bye.

:(

I wish

I wish someone would tell me they actually loved me. The words "I love you ___"

Not unconditionally i guess you can say, but because they actually do.

I am deprived of love. I'm babied...yes. But that is completely different.

Why must I be so god damn sensitive.

The beast awakens every day.

Searching for its source.

Lost within the ruins.

It doesn't know where to go, it doesn't know what to do.

Sitting unsure of what's happening next.

It attempts an action.

Still unsure of what to do.

The beast tries to achieve happiness but fails miserably.

There is no liaison or guilt with the beast, but only innocence.

The beast is harmless and only wants to be approved by the others.

Rejection always strikes towards the beast though.

The beast is a man. Treated as a hideous slave.

Mocked and misery brought upon, hope is eventually lost.

All that is left to do is to wait. See what happens next and keep hoping for something well to happen.

Death is upon all of us.

Waiting to strike each one of us at the right time.

Some of us leave others behind at the wrong time causing others misery.

The beast does not bring misery but only tries and bring happiness.

Most others see it as it as an exasperate.

All feels as if it is gone. But there is still hope deep down inside for its future.

I wake up... I'm alone.
I go to sleep... I'm alone.
In class... I sit alone. (Students at my school are rich snobs)
I get home... I'm alone. Most of the time.
I watch TV... Alone.
I sit in my room... Alone.
I eat dinner... Alone
I eat lunch... Alone.
I play games... Alone.
I watch movies... Alone.
I eat breakfast... Alone.
I do homework... Alone.

My life seems pretty lonely.

I want new friends that can be there for me. There are 3 I know that will always be there for me. I hope they will.
I don't know what I would do without them.

I can leave forever and only 3 would know I was gone.

I hate this place.


I have no motivation right now. I don't even know what's keeping me going right now. It's either the thought that one day I will be successful and have my own home or the thought that I will make someone proud in my life, and they will tell really meaning it.









There's always been a feeling like some kind of presence is with me. I don't feel alone but I know that I am. It just feels like something knows what I'm doing. Something knows what I'm thinking. Something knows what I'm going to do. Something knows where I am at all times. Except when I'm with "her" that presence feels like it vanishes and everything is perfect. She doesn't know she makes me feel like that. Or maybe she does?

._.

I wish I lived somewhere else.
I wish I lived with other people.
I hate this place.
I hate almost everyone around me.
Surrounded by assholes.
Surrounded by cunts.
Fuck this.

Unimportant

People make me feel unimportant.





It sucks.




I like to feel like I'm needed somewhere. Not used.

I wish someone would show I'm somewhat important.

:)

I love her kisses.

I love her hugs.

I love when she holds my hands.

I love it when she gives me little kisses.

I love it when she licks my face.

I love it when she squeezes my hand real tight.

I love it when she hugs me by my waist.

I love it when she holds my arm.

I love it when she says "I love you"

I love it when she calls me "Babe".

I love her hugs.



Why? Because it makes me happy and makes everything that's wrong go away.

I love her.

Nothing

It sucks when you feel like nothing. When people treat you like nothing.

This week is horrible.


Friday: Engine over heated and was stuck in the freeway for hours.

Saturday: Had to drive and pick up the car, sat in the tow truck and told the guy directions. Also found out we had to buy a new engine after spending hours trying to fix the car.

Sunday: Did nothing but pick up my brother who was far away from the house, then had to pick up the car I was going to use for the week or till my car's fixed.

Monday: Woke up early then had to go pick up my engine and stuck it in the back of my dads car. Then took it to the guy who was going to put it in my car. Went to school, realized I never did any of my HW. Took a test and kind of half bombed it, it felt.

Tuesday(today): Woke up early, got to class, it was canceled. Got home, chilled. Picked up brother, in this horrid heat. Came home, I was suppose to visit my friend and watch a movie but they bailed. I went to class which was just work work work, so very tiring. Got home, ate diner...alone like always. Read some stuff recently that tripped me out.

I hope this week gets better.

Ehh Im tired of feeling alone. I wake up, im home alone. I eat breakfast I'm alone. I go to school and wait for class alone, most of the time. Most of my classes I know one class. In my english class i don't know anyone. I get home and I do home work, alone. Mondays and Wednesdays my mom hopefully cooks dinner and we eat together. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I eat dinner alone.

Wow.

I really think I hate almost everyone now. I'm sick and tired of being treated like shit. All people do is call me names, yeah I'm use to being given shit, I ignore it but still it's like c'mon. I don't know one person who is just completely nice. The one person that i met at school that I thought was going to be nice to me ended up just being nice because they needed help. After that it was just me being ignored. Who am not I ignored by. Who? I really want to know, who does not ignore me. My family ignores me, my friends ignore what I tell them. I don't know anymore.

Dream.

I had such a weird dream last night.

So it started off, I was at my friends house in L.A, he goes to school there.
From there, I got picked up and we went to my aunts ex husbands house. Which for some reason he lived near the beach. While there it was me, my dad, my aunts ex husband, my uncle, and my other uncle. I didn't know that my uncle from my dad's side knew him for some reason. We were all sitting at the table while my dad was next to the refrigerator and my uncle was by the sink. So we were all drinking some kind of juice and then everyone had a beer. So as I was drinking it he told me to put it down and to let him add something, so he has this ice and he pours it down my drink, it's just like ice but I had a feeling it had alcohol in it. So I drank it, and as i guessed it had alochol. I got really buzzed so I was kind of drunk and it was weird having that feeling in my dream. So I just stood around and kept drinking avoiding the ice and eventually I finished my drink. After that my uncle from my moms side pulls out a joint, and he's the last person on the earth you would think that would ever smoke. So he starts smoking it and we're all like "pass it around" but my aunts ex husband grabs it and throws it in the sink telling him not in the house and blah blah. So after that I decided I was going to visit my Girlfriend who lives right around there.
I don't remember how I got there because I was kind of drunk. But i got there with my car. I remember picking her up and we went to the movies, I don't remember what movie we were going to watch but the theater we went to was HUGE, there were soooo many rows it was like half a stadium. So while waiting for the movie to start, there is a fat black lady on our left and someone else on our left. I always sit on the left and she sits on the righ but for some reason it was switched up. I remember I put my hand out so she can hold it and I did something else,
OH I gave her a kiss and put my hand on her leg because i always do that. The black lady looks at us and says "yall better not be doing nothing nasty, or yalls can just get out of here." So me and my girlfriend look at her like "what the fuck?" So I ask her "Do you want to go up to the top more and get away from all these people? No offence(talking to the guy and his wife/girlfriend on the left)" and she tells me yeah. So I walk ALLLLL the way to the top and say lets sit here? She tells me no but I said lets just sit here since we're here. So we sit down and there are stacks of 20s with coins on top of them and we are just shocked why there is so much money just sitting here. So we were about to take it when we reach down and the security gaurd comes up and says "is this your money?" First thing we say is "yes it's ours" He asks why is it on the ground?
and we told him "because we were counting it" And some how after arguing with him for a cool while he lets us pick it up. At that point were just grabbing the money and stuffing it in our pockets. We told him it was about 1000 dollars on the ground, it seemed much much more, it probably was but we believed it was 1000. So I gave it all to her and I didn't want any suprisingly. I asked her what she was going to do with it? She told me she was going to save it or go visit someone. (I knew exactly, and didn't ask so she wouldn't have to think about it and stuff) So we start conversing where she's going to visit, and she knows EXACTLY where it is. I was suprised because a week before she had no clue. I felt so happy for her that she would finally be able to go see him. (Her best friend)

For some reason there was a conversation in the dream with someone, I don't remember who but it was about where guys put pictures on blogs, the top right. I don't know how that came into talking about during the dream.

After that I woke up.


___________________________________
Later


I Don't know but I feel so at home when I'm alone with her. I want nothing more. Her hand in mine. Her lips with mine. Walking side by side. She is the only love I have in my life. No one more.
When I'm alone with her nothing else matters. It's the only time when things are perfect. When I'm with her and we're older we will be happy, it doesn't matter if we have a lot of money or we're poor. As long as we have each other, there will be happy goodiness and what not. I love my girlfriend more then anything in the world.

I feel good.

I feel really good. I've gotten over the negative thoughts I get. I have Learned to do so much more to make myself feel better. I just feel really good! It's amazing. I think I'm going to be so a happier person!

I have to go do big boy stuff!

Till text time!

I realized I keep bitching to a specially someone. I feel bad, I don't mean to do it. I have to stop. I am going to stop. I'm sorry.

I feel so good

I feel so good right now, I have no clue why. But I feel so happy! I just finished singing songs to my girlfriend. She's asleep because she didn't get much sleep last night. But I just feel so good! I love it. This song always reminds me of her too. It's called monologue replica by a rose by any other name. I'll post the video at the bottom after. I love her so much, I don't know why I ask the things that i ask sometimes. Well I guess it just get's things off my mind. I feel free, I just wish I could see her more then once a week sometimes. I just have to wait till the day that we move in together :)



I still can't believe shes mine. All mine <3

Fuck

Why the fuck does it appear that everyone is just oh "too cool" for me. I fucking hate this. It's so depressing when everyone thinks your weird or just annoying. I don't do shit so how the fuck do most people think I'm weird. I get bitched at everywhere I go, everything I do. I'm getting sick of this shit. I honestly don't know what to do. I really just want to go start over in a new city. Most people here would not give a shit. Fuck everyone. When will I meet that one person that is nice to me. That wont be such a dick towards me and make fun of me. I just need that ONE friend that will call me to say whats up, not "hey whats up...............................can you take me to subway." Or "hey....................................................wanna go -here-" When will I meet the friend that is "brootal" or "hardcore" I've met once person like that, but too bad they live so far away. I started a new school and the first person I met told me I'm nice, but guess what else? That im really weird. Oh that's nice to know. I haven't met one person that hasn't told me im creepy or weird. Yeah im nice, but hey don't ever get too close to the nice creepy, weird guy. Im really fucking hating everyone right now. For once I really hope the term "what goes around comes around."

Ehhh

I'm like messing something up, and I don't want to.

I have been on a good amount of days of not like tripping out, or like being negative towards myself. Last night I was. I didn't want to be but for some reason I did. I am in a fight with my sub-conscious which makes me like this at times and myself. I shall be better.

I feel bad because I always do this while on the phone with my girlfriend. I feel so bad doing this towards her, and I just...I don't know. I don't want to make worse of what we have. I miss her after a few days because It's like a drug being with her. I'm just so addicted, and I just adore her so much.

I will cure myself. I will stay strong. Change is something I plan to do. To a more positive of a person.





_______________________________________


I have so much on my mind. I feel so weird.
I need to let to let it out.

First Days

So last week it was my first week of school.

Quite a few people are starting school today. I wonder if they are going to feel the pressure and the stress I felt.
This past week was stressful. Probably from having to travel so much in one day, and then having to come home and worry about the every day cooking, eating, cleaning, homework etc.

We'll hopefully I find someone I can relate to, so I know there's someone else that had this kind of stress.

Time to go get ready,



One more thing, I told my girlfriend about my blog. It felt so weird, yet I really wanted to so bad. I'm not sure why, I just really wanted to.

Bye

Loneliness/LOVE

Ahh, god what is wrong with me. I feel so fucking alone. I have no thought what so ever of what to do. I have a few that are there for me, Ive spoke to them all. All of about 3. I feel so alone though, depressed at times. I strongly believe I'm in a stage of my life where I have to grow up and take responsibility for myself and just try and make it through and I WILL over come this. All it takes is time, and I am getting through it.

Anywho.


There' is this girl.
I L♥ VE her with all my heart. If I was knowledgeable of a word that could replace Love with something stronger, I would say that. I mean there's nothing more I would want then to be with her for the rest of my life. I think she's the most beautiful girl I have ever met, inside and out, the most amazing girl on earth. She DECIMATES THE WEAK, she just obliterates any girl. No girl can be compared to her. She's not the nicest person, nor the meanest, it's just right though. I want to grow old with her, I want to fall in love with her. I want to be just right for her. She is my everything. She's my first thought and my last. She's like heroin, I don't think I can ever get enough of her. She's always there for me no matter what, and I will always be there for her, no matter what. I really hope nothing ever gets between us, that she will never disapear, or nothing ever happens to her. I really don't know what I would do, I think I would go insane and just literally explode into little peices, no not really. I think I would just do about anything for her, she's the sweetest, and cutest girl ever, she knows what exactly what I want to hear. She knows me inside and out, backwards and sideways. I'm just about figuring her inside and out. I sometimes doubt my knowledge of her and think bad. Im not sure why I do this but i sometimes do. I have learned not to and I am starting to make things better then they are, as in making good even better. I am proud of myself! Sometimes I wish I was just like her EVERYTHING. But that's just wishing too much, right? One day ill be close to that, when we finally move in, and get married. We'll be eachothers life. We wont be one of those couples who dread their relationship because they have to worry about always having to be with eachother, we wont be one of those couples who just go to dinner and have a serious conversation and just stare at eachother all day, we'll be one of those couples where others look at and just go "oh im so jealous, I wish I had that." She's my best friend and the love of my life. I don't want anyone else but her. Just hopefully if she ever reads this, she wont think it is too "unauthentic."

Well time to go run more errands/chores/ETC.

Bye!

SELLouts

So, I've been thinking about this. So many fucking bands are just becoming so terribly lame. I'm guessing it's just the "fan-base" they have. Like the band has fans who just shouldn't represent the band.

Not to be a jerk or anything, but I don't think anyone really likes "scene kids" anymore. It was just a fashion but it just turned into this entire thing dealing with myspace and kids who just sit on their computer all day on myspace with these little "clubs" I guess you can say. They just have a collage of people on it, and at the top are the "owners." And your rank in the "club" depends on how many friends you have. What the hell is this? Lamest thing I have seen in a LONG time.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? >>>>>
You can't see her face, her hair looks like she just woke up, or she got in a fight with a fucking lawn mower. OH and WHY THE HELL IS IT UPSIDE DOWN? I mean some people put their pictures upside down just for the hell of it, to be funny. BUT LIKE CMON when every...single...fucking...PICTURE. is upside down, why???? Hah.

Excuse me for ranting.

Band's I have noticed that are just going down the drain are: Bring Me The Horizon(off the back they are just going ↓) The Devil Wears Prada. (every other kid has their shirt and they don't even listen to the music) There just are so many bands that now adays suck.

I'm really not sure what to say about "A Day To Remember" Their fan-base is HUGE. It consists of "brootal" doods, Scensters, emo's, almost everything. You really can't hate A Day To Remember. None of their songs are bad, they almost all have good meaning and don't sound the same. I give A Day To Remember BIG FUCKING PROPS.


Any who, I cannot wait for Despised Icons new album. It's going to be amazing!


I'm off to run some errands.

Bye!

P.S I left some download links for some music that I think should be checked out.


Molotov Solution
Myspace

Tracklist:
1. Warlords
2. Rule by Secrecy
3. Only the Dead
4. Atrum Inritus
5. Corpus Imperium
6. Monolithic Apparatus
7. The Harbinger
8. Enslaved
9. Awakening
10. Living Proof
11. The Dawn of Ascendency

Download



Despised Icon (MVP, DAY OF MOURNING)
Myspace

1. Day Of Mourning
2. MVP

Download

Boring

It seems I'm a boring person. Not many people respond to my texts, I am ignored on the Networking websites I visit. What am I doing wrong?

Ehh ill get over it.

Anyways.

I still have the one I love, even though she doesn't seem to show much interest when i try and communicate with her over text messages or I.M's or anything like that.

She's probably just busy and I'm over reacting just a bit.




Oh!

It's the end of the week! Hopefully this week will be well, I have a feeling it will be a good one. Hopefully.


I need money too, I have like no money and there are some events in the near future i want to attend. Hopefully I get one soon. Need that dough!



I want to dedicate this song to my girlfriend but I'm scared someone might had already done so :/

Communication.

I kinda realized i don't talk to anyone anymore. Mainly because I'm tired of always having to try and be the one to communicate. I'm tired of it, and the people who do talk to me always just want something from me. God I think I'm such a tool at times.



3rd day of college today. It's ok, i just hate the fact that everyone is so...the same.
This school is such a trendy place.

All the girls look like that >>>


Well time to clean up and get ready for school. Bye!