Nothing

It sucks when you feel like nothing. When people treat you like nothing.

This week is horrible.


Friday: Engine over heated and was stuck in the freeway for hours.

Saturday: Had to drive and pick up the car, sat in the tow truck and told the guy directions. Also found out we had to buy a new engine after spending hours trying to fix the car.

Sunday: Did nothing but pick up my brother who was far away from the house, then had to pick up the car I was going to use for the week or till my car's fixed.

Monday: Woke up early then had to go pick up my engine and stuck it in the back of my dads car. Then took it to the guy who was going to put it in my car. Went to school, realized I never did any of my HW. Took a test and kind of half bombed it, it felt.

Tuesday(today): Woke up early, got to class, it was canceled. Got home, chilled. Picked up brother, in this horrid heat. Came home, I was suppose to visit my friend and watch a movie but they bailed. I went to class which was just work work work, so very tiring. Got home, ate diner...alone like always. Read some stuff recently that tripped me out.

I hope this week gets better.

Ehh Im tired of feeling alone. I wake up, im home alone. I eat breakfast I'm alone. I go to school and wait for class alone, most of the time. Most of my classes I know one class. In my english class i don't know anyone. I get home and I do home work, alone. Mondays and Wednesdays my mom hopefully cooks dinner and we eat together. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I eat dinner alone.

Wow.

I really think I hate almost everyone now. I'm sick and tired of being treated like shit. All people do is call me names, yeah I'm use to being given shit, I ignore it but still it's like c'mon. I don't know one person who is just completely nice. The one person that i met at school that I thought was going to be nice to me ended up just being nice because they needed help. After that it was just me being ignored. Who am not I ignored by. Who? I really want to know, who does not ignore me. My family ignores me, my friends ignore what I tell them. I don't know anymore.

Dream.

I had such a weird dream last night.

So it started off, I was at my friends house in L.A, he goes to school there.
From there, I got picked up and we went to my aunts ex husbands house. Which for some reason he lived near the beach. While there it was me, my dad, my aunts ex husband, my uncle, and my other uncle. I didn't know that my uncle from my dad's side knew him for some reason. We were all sitting at the table while my dad was next to the refrigerator and my uncle was by the sink. So we were all drinking some kind of juice and then everyone had a beer. So as I was drinking it he told me to put it down and to let him add something, so he has this ice and he pours it down my drink, it's just like ice but I had a feeling it had alcohol in it. So I drank it, and as i guessed it had alochol. I got really buzzed so I was kind of drunk and it was weird having that feeling in my dream. So I just stood around and kept drinking avoiding the ice and eventually I finished my drink. After that my uncle from my moms side pulls out a joint, and he's the last person on the earth you would think that would ever smoke. So he starts smoking it and we're all like "pass it around" but my aunts ex husband grabs it and throws it in the sink telling him not in the house and blah blah. So after that I decided I was going to visit my Girlfriend who lives right around there.
I don't remember how I got there because I was kind of drunk. But i got there with my car. I remember picking her up and we went to the movies, I don't remember what movie we were going to watch but the theater we went to was HUGE, there were soooo many rows it was like half a stadium. So while waiting for the movie to start, there is a fat black lady on our left and someone else on our left. I always sit on the left and she sits on the righ but for some reason it was switched up. I remember I put my hand out so she can hold it and I did something else,
OH I gave her a kiss and put my hand on her leg because i always do that. The black lady looks at us and says "yall better not be doing nothing nasty, or yalls can just get out of here." So me and my girlfriend look at her like "what the fuck?" So I ask her "Do you want to go up to the top more and get away from all these people? No offence(talking to the guy and his wife/girlfriend on the left)" and she tells me yeah. So I walk ALLLLL the way to the top and say lets sit here? She tells me no but I said lets just sit here since we're here. So we sit down and there are stacks of 20s with coins on top of them and we are just shocked why there is so much money just sitting here. So we were about to take it when we reach down and the security gaurd comes up and says "is this your money?" First thing we say is "yes it's ours" He asks why is it on the ground?
and we told him "because we were counting it" And some how after arguing with him for a cool while he lets us pick it up. At that point were just grabbing the money and stuffing it in our pockets. We told him it was about 1000 dollars on the ground, it seemed much much more, it probably was but we believed it was 1000. So I gave it all to her and I didn't want any suprisingly. I asked her what she was going to do with it? She told me she was going to save it or go visit someone. (I knew exactly, and didn't ask so she wouldn't have to think about it and stuff) So we start conversing where she's going to visit, and she knows EXACTLY where it is. I was suprised because a week before she had no clue. I felt so happy for her that she would finally be able to go see him. (Her best friend)

For some reason there was a conversation in the dream with someone, I don't remember who but it was about where guys put pictures on blogs, the top right. I don't know how that came into talking about during the dream.

After that I woke up.


___________________________________
Later


I Don't know but I feel so at home when I'm alone with her. I want nothing more. Her hand in mine. Her lips with mine. Walking side by side. She is the only love I have in my life. No one more.
When I'm alone with her nothing else matters. It's the only time when things are perfect. When I'm with her and we're older we will be happy, it doesn't matter if we have a lot of money or we're poor. As long as we have each other, there will be happy goodiness and what not. I love my girlfriend more then anything in the world.

I feel good.

I feel really good. I've gotten over the negative thoughts I get. I have Learned to do so much more to make myself feel better. I just feel really good! It's amazing. I think I'm going to be so a happier person!

I have to go do big boy stuff!

Till text time!

I realized I keep bitching to a specially someone. I feel bad, I don't mean to do it. I have to stop. I am going to stop. I'm sorry.

I feel so good

I feel so good right now, I have no clue why. But I feel so happy! I just finished singing songs to my girlfriend. She's asleep because she didn't get much sleep last night. But I just feel so good! I love it. This song always reminds me of her too. It's called monologue replica by a rose by any other name. I'll post the video at the bottom after. I love her so much, I don't know why I ask the things that i ask sometimes. Well I guess it just get's things off my mind. I feel free, I just wish I could see her more then once a week sometimes. I just have to wait till the day that we move in together :)



I still can't believe shes mine. All mine <3

Fuck

Why the fuck does it appear that everyone is just oh "too cool" for me. I fucking hate this. It's so depressing when everyone thinks your weird or just annoying. I don't do shit so how the fuck do most people think I'm weird. I get bitched at everywhere I go, everything I do. I'm getting sick of this shit. I honestly don't know what to do. I really just want to go start over in a new city. Most people here would not give a shit. Fuck everyone. When will I meet that one person that is nice to me. That wont be such a dick towards me and make fun of me. I just need that ONE friend that will call me to say whats up, not "hey whats up...............................can you take me to subway." Or "hey....................................................wanna go -here-" When will I meet the friend that is "brootal" or "hardcore" I've met once person like that, but too bad they live so far away. I started a new school and the first person I met told me I'm nice, but guess what else? That im really weird. Oh that's nice to know. I haven't met one person that hasn't told me im creepy or weird. Yeah im nice, but hey don't ever get too close to the nice creepy, weird guy. Im really fucking hating everyone right now. For once I really hope the term "what goes around comes around."

Ehhh

I'm like messing something up, and I don't want to.

I have been on a good amount of days of not like tripping out, or like being negative towards myself. Last night I was. I didn't want to be but for some reason I did. I am in a fight with my sub-conscious which makes me like this at times and myself. I shall be better.

I feel bad because I always do this while on the phone with my girlfriend. I feel so bad doing this towards her, and I just...I don't know. I don't want to make worse of what we have. I miss her after a few days because It's like a drug being with her. I'm just so addicted, and I just adore her so much.

I will cure myself. I will stay strong. Change is something I plan to do. To a more positive of a person.





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I have so much on my mind. I feel so weird.
I need to let to let it out.